Failing Gracefully

The gears are shifting in my imagination. I press an imaginary clutch and shift to reverse, then forward, then reverse again.

I’m in a cycle. I just know I’m stuck and it continues. A question is stuck in my head: “Why did I fail?” No answer. Again. “Why did I fail?” Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Really, I am at a stand still! Definitely not going anywhere. Moving, yes, and not going anywhere.

I shift to neutral and coast. Ah, that’s better.

As soon as I go into neutral, I sense there’s a glimmer, a spark of inspiration, a series of questions actually. I love questions, so I go there. I live in the questions that come. The questions are: Why? Where? What? and How?

Before I begin to shift to the first gear of my next “Why?” question, I recall the question living in my head when in reverse: “Why did I fail?” As I pause, foot on the clutch, poised to shift forward into first gear, I notice that the previous question, “Why did I fail?”, reflects the failure on me. No wonder I was stuck in reverse! Recently, I came upon the words of wisdom by Zig Ziglar. I hear a deep voice speak in my imagination: “Remember that failure is an event, not a person.”

Wise words! So, I shift forward to view the failure as an event rather than a personal failing. That feels so much better! In this metaphor, there are six ways forward. Six speeds. One way back to reverse; and six ways forward.

As I re-experience the failure event, I feel myself, in the moment, metaphorically navigating through an unpaved path. I feel the jarring pain of driving through a rough patch of potholes and black ice, barely holding myself together as events escalate. I realize that we are in high speed and in danger of crashing.

I pull myself together, just barely, and keep an outer calm. I recall thinking about and remembering what’s at stake. A dialogue begins in my head.

I slow down and reflect. “Yes, we are in uncharted territory. And, we are in it for pioneering a new way forward. With that, come the rough patches,” I say to myself.

I feel the self-leadership in me rise up; for me, my partner and our clients. I don’t have time to wallow. The failure event has begun, we may as well face it with dignity and grace.

I feel true urgency, the kind of urgency where salvaging the day was more important than surrendering to tragedy. I shift gears. In reflecting on failing gracefully, I realize a strategy that works for me.

First Gear -Why Focus Forward? I remember to take a deep breath and focus on the big opportunity that brought us to where we are now. The focus on opportunity strips away the internal feelings of fear and anxiety towards an inner and outer calm of courage and determination to get through the day. There is simply no turning back. The stakes are as high as the rewards that come in meeting the challenge.

Second Gear – Where is my Attention? I consciously and deliberately shift slowly forward to attend to what’s needed next; to observe, check the mirrors and then continue to focus forward. This time, I am looking, listening and sensing for the opportunities and hazards that pop up; the yield signs, deer crossings, black ice and stop signs too. I check in on where we are from where we began, ensuring we are actually moving forward, gaining momentum and exceeding the challenge, in the moment.

Third Gear – What are my Intentions? This is the gear of shifting one speed forward and checking in that my intentions are conscious and choiceful. At this point, we are not yet at high speed, we can safely gear down from falling from grace – where anger, despair, criticism and other such extreme emotions rise up. Such emotions may be self-directed or outwardly-directed. Either way, shifting from hostility to a determination to rise up to the challenge is so much more generative.

Fourth Gear – How do I Respond? As we speed up, there is consistent forward movement. Responding to what comes next becomes easier as we turn focus, attention and intention into mindful action. At this point, I feel my attitude towards failure improving. I feel myself learning, rising to the challenge and somehow, noticing and being present to where we are versus where we could have been. I feel and do better.

By the time we are travelling in fifth and sixth gear, we are past the finish line and on our way to the next challenge, and the next victory.

This strategy is truly empowering when engaging mind and heart; and, listening for sparks of inspiration. I feel hopeful being in the drivers seat of effectively navigating failure events, through moments of crisis and triumph too! I also realize that we gear down and up, slow down and speed up, one gear at a time. And in high speeds, when the stakes are high and the risks are calculated, we sail through life passing real finish lines, previously only in our dreams!!

I realize now that driving life in automatic is dangerous for me. I thrive when I drive life in manual shift, alert and aware. The words of wisdom by Charles M. Schulz come to mind:

“Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.”

Life experiences are so much more hopeful, exciting and adventurous when engaged through each of the gears, one speed at a time, living the spectrum of life with strength and resolve, succeeding and failing gracefully.

Practice for Failing Gracefully:

1. Journal three success stories and three failure stories

2. Identify common environmental, social, relational and personal themes across the stories

3. Connect those themes to your present leadership strategy for yourself and with others

4. Regularly practice to focus on why, pay close attention to how, set conscious intentions on what's next and respond with poise and confidence.