Showing Up

I am so happy.

I skip cheerfully down the hallway.

My friend Jennifer walks beside me.

We are on our way outside for recess.

I notice she isn’t smiling and I keep going.

I am fired up with excitement about telling her my news.

“Jenn, I am going to make a television commercial for Art Class!! Ms Jones just LOVES my idea!”

I look over at her and her face hasn’t changed.

This doesn’t phase my animated energy at all.

I go on, “I’m going to..”

Before I finish my sentence, Jenn interrupts me.

With a cool stare, she says: “Lucy, you are such a show off!”

I stop skipping. I stop talking. I stop.

I feel instantly hurt and sad, so sad.

I was nine years old. I didn’t exactly know what showing off meant. I was simply happy to share exciting news with my friend. Most importantly, I didn’t fully understand at the time the impact her words would have on me through childhood and adult years.

In reflection, I realize it was the combined cold stare and pointedly spoken tone that phased me, bringing me crashing down from my initial high of excitement.

I recall the feelings clearly. I remember feelings of embarrassment, of discomfort, of raw vulnerability. I felt hurt that my friend didn’t share my enthusiasm. The emotional onslaught of shame is vivid as day.

For many years, I took on Jenn’s perspective as truth. I learned from this incident that speaking about and celebrating exciting events in my life is about me wanting to get attention, of me showing off.

Feelings of discomfort became an unconscious trigger as I modified happy self-expression to shyness about the events that made me happy and accomplished. On the bright side, I healthily took up writing stories and poetry in my personal journal when I felt the need to express deep-down feelings.

Over the years, the memory did fade. And, it wasn’t entirely gone nor appropriately processed. As I matured and strived to be a contributor at home, school and work, the memory of that event faded even further. I became adept at suppressing inner discomfort when I wanted to share news with others – exciting and troubling news as well.

Recently, the memory has resurfaced. Perhaps I have been readying myself to process the learning, years later. For that, I am grateful. I’ve had a shift in perspective and significant learning about the distinction between “Showing Off” and “Showing Up”.

This most recent revelation is about why I strive so very hard to achieve, to want to celebrate yet shy away from speaking about nor revealing what excites and at the same time terrifies me.

I noticed that when the thrill and the tragedy of my stories come with authenticity, with the spirit of authentic expression, then it is received with matched excitement and support. The sharing of myself, of showing up as my true self, with composure and poise, served to give others permission to also show up as their authentic selves.

The more I showed up as my true self, to bring authentic self-expression to conversation, the more present I became. As I showed up happy and animated, sad and contemplative, with the full spectrum of emotions, I began to experience deepening conversations, relationships and connections.

With the perspective of showing up, with all my quirky facets, I am more conscious of the discomfort and respond accordingly. The greatest shift for me has been in being fully present, conscious and intentional on why, how, what and with whom I am sharing personal and professional events.

With shedding the ego-based tendency to brag and show-off and to take on the presence of courageous authenticity, I’ve learned to allow the full spectrum of inner ease and discomfort to inform me. Authentic self-expression is so much more a part of expressing my stories, to reveal what is most important to me and to role model Showing Up.